


Bite Your Tongue

by Jeldenil



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Monty Python RPF
Genre: Crack Crossover, Humor, Monty Python, One Shot, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 06:17:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10507992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeldenil/pseuds/Jeldenil
Summary: The first Christmas in Hogwarts after the war is off to an unusual start.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this idea stuck in my head for a while. I originally planned it to take place on the Hogwarts Express, but this version worked out better. It's completely silly, and meant to be. Please enjoy.

It's the first Christmas that actually has peace for the Wizarding World, and Harry wants to spend it in Hogwarts like the old days. The Burrow is still under repairs, but Molly still sends him a package with a new, handknitted sweater and homemade treats. He grins as he picks up a mincepie with the letters 'MP' carved into it, muttering fondly:  
“I know it's mincepie, Molly.”

He brings it to the Great Hall, where he puts it on his breakfast plate and starts munching happily as he scans the scattered few other students who are staying over for the holidays. Ron and Hermione sit down next to him and Ron quietly groans as he notices what Harry is eating.  
“Seriously, mate, you fell for that?” 

Harry blinks at him, and wants to ask him what he means, but instead, he says:  
“Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?”

Hermione snorts in her Pumpkin Juice.  
“It's one of George's Monty Python Pies, Harry!” 

Harry doesn't know whether he wants to laugh or groan, or cry, or all of them.   
“What is going on with Potter?” 

He hears Malfoy comment as the blonde boy slides down in the seat next to him. Harry wants to tell him to go away, but what comes out is:  
“I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

On his other side, Ron chokes on his pancakes. Malfoy, however raises a manicured eyebrow and looks paler than usual. Harry feels sort of sorry for him. He tries to say something casual, and conversationally he tries:  
“Is your wife a..."goer"... eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge! Know what I mean? Say no more...Know what I mean?”  
And elbows Malfoy in the side.

“Gross, Potter. I don't even have a wife.”

Harry knows he should stop talking all together, but somehow he finds himself uncapable to shut up, and he blurts out:

“It's not pining. It's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. THIS IS AN EX-PARROT.”

“Are you talking about me?”   
Malfoy is gripping the table and Harry can see his knuckles going white, as he tries to restrain himself.  
“I should hex you!” He hisses. 

On Harry's other side, Hermione and Ron are not helpful at all. It's like they are hit by an endless giggling spell. 

“He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty boy!”   
Harry says.  
Malfoy's eyes widen, and Harry knows all too well that the other boy has been trying, very hard, to be good. All those years of them being enemies, after all what happened between them, and Malfoy could never admit he was wrong. But lately, it seems to be all he could do. He never stopped apologizing, in his own, socially awkward way. 

In a way, Harry is glad when Malfoy finally snaps and slaps him flat-handed in the face before walking away.

Harry, exasperated, calls after him: 

“It's just a flesh wound! I'm invincible! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to ya! I'll bite your legs off!" 

Hermione is the first to gather her composure again. 

“I'll explain it, Harry.”

He nods gratefully and wonders when the effects of George's pie will wear off.


End file.
